Love is beautiful and one of the sweetest things in life. Love like new wine in a bottle is usually intoxicating in its early state but loses its original power of intoxicating as the years go by. Like wine which contains alcohol which determines its intoxication level, love on its own does not contain what is required to keep it intoxicating but there are other materials added to it that keeps its intoxicating quality active over the years.
I have seen many people who were in love in the last few years and still in love but are no longer together. When you ask both parties, you discover they still love each other but they can’t just be together. Most of the time I ask myself why is it difficult for someone who loves someone not to be with that someone? Then I realize that people have a tendency of getting fed up with anything no matter how they enjoyed it at first if that thing does not give them the pleasure they originally derived from it.
Every long lasting relationship has transcended beyond love to a more mutual way of harmonizing that relationship which make love fresh every day, but the reason why a lot of people in their relationships find it difficult to make this transition is because of the way they have defined their relationships. Some define their relationship based on sex, eloquence, affluence, influence, job, qualifications, investments, wealth, spirituality, and material possessions. These definitions have brought many into various relationships and have also left most of them stranded or under constant pressure. Not every relationship started on the bases of real love; many walked into relationships because of what they hope to get or achieve, or what they hope to gain but in the end most of these relationships moved from its earlier intent to something much more serious while some crashed out.
Some relationships became more serious based on their definition but not all these serious relationship have survived the test of time; what is the main cause of this? Is it that the men are the problems in relationships or that the women are more of a pain in the ass? Why is it that two people who were platonic friends suddenly became involved in a relationship and all of a sudden they broke up and sometimes they avoid each other which were not the case when they were platonic?
Studies have shown that when two people involved in real relationship separate, they still have feelings for one another but just don’t like to accept it. They go as far as getting jealous when they discover that their ex happens to start dating again or dating someone close to them. Sometimes I ask myself why will someone who has ended a relationship be angry over his or her ex, or why should you keep having feeling for someone you have left for another? Then I realize that love is as strong as death and yet not even enough to keep a relationship.
We have seen pastors, musician, politicians, professors, actors, actresses, industry leaders, marriage counselors and a whole lot of people time would fail me to mention in divorce situations or in a broken relationship. The problem is that everybody has knowledge about love but so many don’t have knowledge beyond love. Everybody needs love but not everybody can keep it. Love like vapour fades away but with constant steam keeps re-emerging.
Relationships are like tower buildings or skyscrapers but love is the foundation which carries it (whether you told a lie to be loved, or you camouflaged someone into loving you, or you charmed someone with juju or voodoo into loving you, that is the foundation you have laid for that relationship, but am not diving into those areas now). Love is the foundation with which we build upon for the next phases of experiences in our relationships. Many stop at the foundation level of construction which is love and they move in into their love life and things became harsh because of undue exposure. Let me make this point clearer; have you ever seen anyone that packed into his newly build house which is still at the foundation level? Definitely no; this is because the house is not conducive at that point in time for habitation, so also is our relationships at the early stages of love which is practically the time to build and not to dwell on celebrating new love only (Remember love like vapour fades away but constant steam keeps it re-emerging). There may be hitches, rough and tick, ups and down but that’s all that makes for a strong foundation of love; but we have seen that a lot of people quit at this stage and many just live in their relationship on this stage without put any further structure thereby leading to a deterioration in the foundation and finally it sinks. What I mean by not putting further structure is when you are not adding value to the relationship, when you become a liability, when you are not innovative and improving on trends in the relationship, you sink your foundation of love.
Prov. 24:3-4 says “A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.
Building relationships on the foundation of Love is based on 3key facts:
Knowledge talks about gathering of relevant facts; a lot of people think they just know love without seeking adequate knowledge concerning the subject. It doesn’t take knowledge to love because God himself puts the feeling in there; this is why an illiterate can be in love, and this is also the reason people say love is blind because it sometimes does work with knowledge standards when seeking its companion; but love can be sustained through knowledge. The more we spend time in our relationships to know more about the person we are in a relationship with, the better we are at managing them. Don’t ever conclude that you know your husband, or your wife, your colleagues, your boss, your pastor etc., take time to study personality traits and differences. Study the male difference and the female differences that accounts for their uniqueness because without adequate knowledge of the male and female differences you may experience a lot of hitches. For those in marriage or courtship your quest for knowledge goes further to understudying the background, family history, childhood, likes and dislikes, past relationships, weakness, strength, failures, past mistakes of your spouse.
Buy books on relationship and begin to develop yourself, don’t rely on head knowledge, marriage is journey and only those who have gone ahead can give you a guide on how to overcome huddles along your path; but all these can be acquired by seeking for knowledge.
You must understand that for every difference or weakness in your spouses, God placed you in that relationship as a solution. Understanding means you knowing how to apply the facts you have gathered through knowledge, it is you getting abreast with the do’s and how’s and when’s of the relationship. A lot of relationships have scattered and are in constant tension because of lack of understanding among couples. When you understand the gender differences it makes you relaxed, when understand what is required of you to do as a man or woman in a relationship according to biblical standards you are more relaxed. You would not be in a haste to curse your wife or to be rude to your husband even when they are wrong; understanding tells you the right knowledge to apply to get your needed result.
I once read about a woman who caught her husband red handed with another woman in a hotel; contrary to every woman’s reaction she took her husband by the hand without saying a word to the girl who was cheating with her husband and drove her husband home. Still silent about the matter she prepared his best meal, prepared his water to shower and dressed his room for the night. The husband kept waiting for her to react like every other regular woman but to no avail. Days went by and she kept acting as if nothing happened, the good thing was that she kept relating well with her husband and not giving him a frown. That action alone healed that marriage and the husband became a changed person. I also read the story of a woman that the husband always comes very late at night, sometimes 1am or 2am in the morning. According to the story, she would wake up at anytime her husband comes home and warm the food for the man, prepare the dinning for him, prepare the bathroom for him. This scenario went on for a long time without her complaining; one day the husband said to the friends who made him keep late night that he was not going to hang out with them anymore, and they asked him why, and he replied that he never knew he had such a good wife at home that needs more of his attention and he spends his time with them drinking and having one night stands every day. I knew about a man that speaks the nicest words to the wife even when she makes grievous mistakes like adding too much salt to the soup or not cleaning the sitting room properly. Without prayers, just with simple understanding these people were able to cure their marriages.
Understanding is you knowing what to apply, how to apply, and when to apply all that facts that you have gathered through knowledge concerning your relationship. Lack of understanding makes you look foolish even after you have gained knowledge, it can make you loose something you would have preserved; understanding it is the key success in any relationships, it is the root of patience and perseverance, it is the anchor of hope for relationships.
The bible says that wisdom is the principal thing; this means that wisdom is first in every relationship. Wisdom means you putting to work all you gathered through knowledge, and the facts you have been able to understand into your relationship to keep that relationship ever vibrant. Wisdom works in hand with understand; that is why the bible says that in all your getting, get understanding. You must understand that it is possible for you to put to work what you have learnt but in a wrong way. Not everything that applies in relationship A can apply to B, understanding helps wisdom to apply rightly. Whatever you have gained by way of knowledge through marriage seminars, singles forum, marriage workshops, marriage trainings, books, biographies, mentorship etc.; the wisdom here is when you begin to apply them rightly to make your relationship a heaven on earth and an enviable one worthy of emulation. Don’t be like one who has understanding without applying it (wisdom) and one who has wisdom without understanding (applying wrongly).
In conclusion, your relationship works best when you allow Christ to be the head. Christ gave all of us only one duty each in our relationships which is “Husbands love your wife and wives submit to your husband”. Adherence to this duty naturally gives birth to a peaceful relationship.